Today my girlfriend feels like very upset.
Days before, she was just unwilling to talk until yesterday, she looked happy and talkative again and I thought that she may be finally get rid of those disagreeables. But I was wrong. Today she became wordless again that even worse than before. I really felt worried about her and tried to feel out her emotion. Unexpectedly, she showed like quite upset and accused me that what I wanted was just a cute, happy “she” and what I was doing was just for fulfilling my own joy and sentiments, and I never ever really cared about her. When I saw her words, I was actually astonished and, at that time, I just couldn’t say even a word, with tears in my eyes. I tried to calm down and explain that I was absolutely not that kind of guy. She maybe doesn’t know that every time when she fell in silence, that atmosphere which gave me from her was suffocating (maybe because of some experience from my childhood) that I instinctively didn’t want to be close to her at all. But meanwhile, always, I worried about her more thinking that she was drowning in a real bad mood. I knew that she didn’t like to be disturbed when she was in that kind of situation so I organized my diction, for me, super carefully, and I tried to avoid talking about her emotion directly but in a way more implicit. However, to be honest, actually, she is right. Everything I did was just useless self-moving. She doesn’t need any care that actually couldn’t make any real difference. She even doesn’t need me. All she needs for digesting the discomfort is just silence and to be alone. And me? I just kept talking and talking when she actually needed rest.
She is right. She’s always right.
I’m just a funny joker and all I was done is just a farce. I don’t deserve her. I won’t regret it if she tomorrow wants to break up, because I’m really the worst.